With Summer Camps coming to an end, we reflected on all the camps: the children, the dynamics, themes, crafts, and strategies we covered. One theme that runs through all the camps that we found ourselves collaborating on was navigating friendship. Sometimes, when signing up for camp, friends will register together. Definitely nothing wrong with that! That is what summer is for, right? Taking camp with a friend whom you haven't seen all year because you now go to different schools, or maybe haven't seen them all summer because someone has been traveling. But then, one of the kids makes a new friend in the camp and other kid(s) might feel threatened by it. They might be thinking "Oh no, I'm going to lose a friend." Or, "I'm not cool enough." At a young age, it's really hard to know what's going to happen and how to trust the unknown that "everything will be fine." Young kids have an easier time living in the present moment, thus thinking only about direct consequences. Their prefrontal cortex, the part of their brain that helps them rationalize, isn't yet fully developed. This means that reasoning will take time and patience. This is where mindfulness can come in and be a helpful practice.
Starting a new camp/school year
Putting myself into the campers' shoes, I remembered what it was like to be a shy kid coming into a new group; worried about who would play with whom, if I was going to be left out, and worried about saying the wrong thing. The first day was always the "scope-things-out-day." Day two was "get-my-feet-wet." And by the third day, I was settled into the routine and ready to ease into some friendships. We saw some variation of this play out with each session of camp. The kids needed the first few days to settle in, and by Wednesday, they were open and ready to make new friends. Here is an example of two friends and groups of friends coming together.
Two girls got into a little argument about not being able to have the same color friendship bracelets. The two girls came together through a mutual friend. One of the teachers, Scarlett, wondered, "Could both of your friendships with this one friend be the connection and beginning to your new friendship with one another?"
Girl 1: I was trying to be your friend, but you were rude.
Girl 2: Well, I was trying to, but you were being bossy.
Scarlett: Sounds like you were both trying to be friends with each other, but the moment of connection was missed. Maybe this could be your chance to re-attempt the connection that it sounds like you both were trying to make.
Girl 1: Okay, well maybe we can all use matching colors for our bracelets. Can you please not be rude?
Girl 2: Okay, I won't. Yeah, I can do blue and green, and we can all be friends.
Other girls making friendship bracelets in the same area: Yay!
Ideas on navigating friendships
Below you will find some takeaways from our summer camp sessions on navigating friendships. You will find a few ideas on how to approach/navigate friendships as well as some dialogue you might try when you find your child in a challenging scenario.
+You are in control of your body and you can make your own choices. "You don't have to follow along with what everyone else is doing." Or, "You don't have to do what insert name is saying."
+"You teach people how to treat you. 'How you treat others can leave an imprint on them. They will remember and might treat you the same way.'"
+No one can make you feel mad, sad, etc. You control and can change how you feel/see things. You may want/need to be mad/sad to work through the scenario, but no one can make you feel anything. You decided to be mad/upset by what someone said/did. This ownership gives us autonomy and reminds us that we have the power to change how we feel. This leads me to the below quote. I stumbled upon it last week and thought this message can really empower the girls, and us, to shift their thinking if practiced on a daily, weekly, monthly, life basis!
+"The world will show you where you are not free."
What am I supposed to learn? After a conflict, I think it is so important to revisit what happened, what was said, and the emotions/feelings that were experienced. Why did this happen? What could I do next time to avoid this problem?
Dialogue
+ "It sounds like they do not want to be told what to do, and there isn't anything we can do about that."
+ "If everyone wants to switch up the game, then it looks like your choice is to pivot and switch games or go off and play on your own."
+ "Not everyone likes being told what to do. In this moment, you might have to be flexible or find other people to play with. If you are really set on playing with these friends, then you are going to have to be flexible and try out another idea."
+ "Instead of saying you can't play with us, what can that friend do?"
We do allow friends or groups of friends to play together as there are times when we just want to "be with our people." Friends who make you feel comfortable and safe. In these moments, we then open up the dialogue to:
"+When do you think others could join in?"
"+How might it feel to always be excluded and never given a chance?"
+Ask the child who wants to join, "Can you tell them what you can add to the current game?"
Trust
It is never really black and white. We want kids to feel included and be inclusive, of course, but sometimes, there are times when you need some one-on-one or small group time with your besties. There is also the flipside. If people don't want to play with you, find another group! Why do you want to play with people who don't want to play with you?? Well, the answer is quite simple. All in all, kids, teens, grown-ups, humans. We just want to belong. Somewhere. As parents, teachers, and caregivers, it is so hard to see a child left out. It might even trigger something that happened to us as a kid. Many of our initial instincts are to "rescue" the child so they don't get their feelings hurt. Or we might overtalk about the situation to a point where your child gets tired of what you have to say and they start to tune you out. Getting our feelings hurt and going through rough patches builds confidence, a sense of self, resilience. It can remind us how to treat others so that in turn, others will know how to treat us. We are modeling and parenting the best we can. We are here to guide them. Give time and space for conflicts and new ideas to wrok themselves out and sink in. We too have to trust that we have laid a strong foundation for them to thrive.
As a parent and teacher, I truly believe that our kids and children have many lessons and ideas to teach us. I believe that our children are our best and most important teachers as they teach us just what we need to learn and see the world and problems with unbiased fresh eyes. Below you will find a quote that very simply summarizes what we try to convey and teach the children who come through True Roots.
"Sometimes Mommy, you have to let me figure this out on my own and know I can do it. I am sad, I am mad, but I'm allowed to be sad and mad. It's OK. I'm also okay being by myself sometimes, I don't like it when people keep trying to make me like everyone in the group. I just have to do it in my own way."
What is your child experiencing? What challenges are you facing as you parent through these challenging conversations? We would love to hear and help shed any light or even a "me too!" in the comments below!
Some books on navigating friendships:
The Not-So-Friendly-Friend: How to set boundaires for healthy friendships, Christina Furnival
The Buddy Bench, Patty Brozo
The Circles All Aorund Us, Brad Montague
You Can Be A Good Friend No Matter What, Taraji p. Henson
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